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news

Trump’s Tower Will Tower Less, City Orders Spending Cuts, And We Apologize For Running Out Of Conrad Black Gags

By Christopher Bird

saladspritzer.jpgDonald Trump’s Toronto hotel will only be 57 storeys, rather than 70. Experts explain that this is because Donald Trump’s penis is smaller than previously believed. (Extra hilarity from The Donald’s spokesperson: “The more residents we had, the more the elevators were going to be used and that wasn’t what we wanted in an exclusive building like the Trump.” Yes. Pity the poor, poor elevators. You have to know that Donald Trump worries about the elevators greatly.)
Mississauga man comes in second at the World Series of Poker. Tuan Lam walked away with $4.84 million for his efforts. Which is better than a kick in the ass, to be sure.
David Miller orders spending cuts in public service. City officials are also ordered to check underneath all the cushions for lost change.
NDP MP suggests stripping Conrad Black of his Order of Canada. Charlie Angus points out that now that Black is a convicted felon, he kind of detracts from Canada’s reputation rather than enhances it, and that there is precedent considering Alan Eagleson lost his Order of Canada for pretty much the same reason. (Torontoist is temporarily out of jokes for mocking Conrad Black. We apologize for the inconvenience, and suggest that to keep amusement at maximum, that you think back to Chekov in Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home saying “nuclear wessel.”)
And the Jays lost 3–2 to the Yankees last night.
Photo originally via dlisted.com.

Comments

  • Marc Lostracco

    I actually had to look up what a salad spritzer was. Fascinating.

  • guest

    On the chopping block: Miller’s $1.2 million office reno. The city truly will fall apart.

  • David Elliott

    Remember . . . Trump had his Atlantic City casino go bust on him. Who ever heard of a casino going bust?

  • dowlingm

    Not on the chopping block – bailing out a Queen West theatre for 1.2 million. I’d argue that the City should save our culture but then you read about the Roundhouse and realise the culture department has its head up its posterior.