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Virgin Lizard, You Ain’t No Canuck, Home Prices On The Rise Since 1982, Black Speaks Pretty Too Much

By Karen Whaley

There’s only so much one can write about the Robert Pickton trial, 48 Abell and the $8 minimum wage. Today, we present “News Roundup Lite”…

The Immaculate Conception could have happened, proves a Komodo dragon in the Manchester Zoo. Flora got herself knocked-up with 5 baby Komodos despite the fact that she lives in solitary captivity. Scientists theorize that Flora was either impregnated after a visit from God, or had been sneaking out of her cage at night to party with some older Komodos and drink wine coolers.
It’s a glorious mystery.
Even if you wear a tuque and say “eh” in your sleep, you may not be Canadian according to Citizenship and Immigration Canada. 450 people have been turned away from passport offices emptyhanded after finding out they had violated The Citizenship Act of 1977. Are you a Canadian who was born abroad after Feb. 14, 1977? Apparently, you have to register before age 28 to confirm your “attachment” to the country or you lose your citizenship.
Long-time homeowners rejoice! Home prices in Toronto have increased by 290% in the last 25 years. If you’re lucky enough to live in Barrie, home prices have gone up by 371% in our cosmopolitan sister to the North.
Conrad Black speak too good, will not make sense to jury. Black’s lawyer, Edward Greenspan, believes that the gifted vocabularian will have a harder time connecting with the jury if they can’t understand his big words. Solution? Greenspan has made a bet that Black has to pay him $5 for every 5-syllable word he uses, $4 for every 4-syllable word, $3 etc…but he can use all the one- and two-syllable words he wants. That’s so Kafkaesque.

Comments

  • Justin

    The Immaculate Conception refers to Mary being born without Original Sin, not that she got knocked up by an angel or whatever.

  • cheeks

    I thought the Immaculate Conception was when Joseph left out his shoes and woke to find that elves had cobbled them during the night.

  • Marc Lostracco

    Well, the virginity of the biblical Mary figure is in question since two of the major four gospels don’t mention it, and the two that do weren’t written until eighty years after the alleged event. Plus, it’s suggested in the gospels that Jesus had siblings, so she wasn’t all that chaste after the fact.
    The evidence of virgin birth is sketchy at best, and the texts have been revised so many times across so many dialects that it can’t really be taken even remotely literally. Various popes over the centuries have made their own revisions to suit their own agendas or political situations. The part of Luke that refers to the Virgin Birth, for example, was in a different form of Greek and is thought that it may have been added later by somebody else. The Assumption of Mary wasn’t even proclaimed Catholic dogma until 1950.
    Mary didn’t start appearing to superstitious Americans in the form of wood grain, water stains or burnt toast until the twentieth century. Obviously, the whole biblical trend of just sending an angel to do your appearances was boring and she thought she’d mix it up a bit. Despite seemingly violating the divine edict not to worship false idols, superstitious believers would flock to worship the Toaster of Guadalupe and Our Lady of the Perpetual Rust Stain.
    A more extreme theory believed by some is that Mary was raped or seduced by a traveling Roman soldier, Pantera. This would foreshadow groupie-type behaviour at future heavy metal shows, because, really — who isn’t seduced by a great rock riff? Anyway, there are multiple historical references to “Yeshua ben Pantera” (“Jesus, son of Pantera”).
    Mary was allegedly engaged to Joseph, so any pregnancy before marriage would have been incredibly scandalous, and some evidence indicates that Mary was sent away to hide a pregnancy. Brides at the time were also considered the property of men, were usually twelve or thirteen years old, and polygyny was the norm. So, take that, all you Christers whining about “traditional marriage.”
    /ex-Catholic

  • Karen

    Yeah, what Marc said!