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Overcoming Fear: TOist Buys Coffee at the Metro Theatre

By Sarah Lazarovic

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We’ve never seen a soul enter or exit the Metro Theatre. It’s dusty exterior has remained the same, day in and day out, as Little Seoul passes it by uninterested. But what’s with the seventies-era instant coffee machine chained to the blue picture theatre’s facade? Do the phantoms that haunt the place really need a jolt of circa seventy sanka before watching whatever’s on offer? We’ve long been curious about the coffee machine? Did it work? And if it did, was the coffee better or worse than at Opera Coffee on the next block, where the special is cup of coffee and a maki roll?
TOist Josh accepted the dare, and TOist Sarah gave the brave guy a loonie.
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The button for coffee with sugar was gamely pressed, despite its crustiness.
And the machine made an encouraging whirring sound, and spit out a cup. Alas, it was not meant to be. No coffee poured forth, and no change was proferred. Probably just as well though. TOist Josh would have had to follow through, and drink the scary concoction, though TOist Sarah would have retracted the dare, and tried to talk him out of it. And TOist Josh would have countered with ‘no, no, I coffeemachine03.jpg
can handle it.’ And then TOist Sarah would’ve said ‘don’t do it.’ And then TOist Josh would have slugged it. And though he would have been rushed to the ER, spitting up vintage porn coffee all the while, he still would’ve found the strength to rear his head up from the speeding gurney and declare said coffee better than Opera’s.
Plus, now we know the machine is busted.

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Comments

  • http://50most.blogspot.com mw

    What kind of investigative reporters are you if there’s no specifics about what was playing on the screen?

  • Josh

    uh i think you know full well what’s playing at the metro theatre.
    and also, has anyone ever encountered such perfect colour coordination (note the red shoes please)? i should really get my own “all red all the time” fashion line.

  • http://50most.blogspot.com mw

    The one time I caught the picture show (journalism skule project c. 1992) it was the tail end of Young Hot ‘N’ Nasty Teenage Cruisers.
    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0154013/
    Wouldn’t be surprised if it’s still playing … even if YOU can’t be bothered to walk past the horrifying signs that warn against lewdness in the bijou seats. (A technicality, shurley.)

  • http://www.doingthadeal.blogspot.com josh kerbel

    Coffee……….good cover story for a visit to the Metro……..now where are your real pics!

  • http://torontoist.com sarah

    i nominate the weisblogger to go on recon for us, we will post the pics as part deux to this sordid story.

  • http://50most.blogspot.com mw

    I was so creeped out from that one visit, it’s not an experience I’d like to repeat. And was quite startled to see copulation on the big screen. In fact, I don’t even think I’d ever seen it on a small screen–or, uh, anywhere–such cinema was banned in Ontario until the year before, so the only porn you’d get with your coffee would be the edited variety. Which means, I suspect the Metro had high hopes for a renaissance back then … theoretically, they’d have been busted for showing full-fledged porn before ’91. There were a few ironic/hipster/art film events held there in the mid-’90s, however, and a great Star article a couple years ago about how the owners were trying to unload the place.
    (Mine was a j-school feature on the last remaining seedy theatres of our town, given how the Festival chain had salvaged most of the ones that weren’t torn down … the main focus was the Rio on Yonge, which became a Granada teevee rental store shortly thereafter, and is now the Adults Only Video. The Rio would have a four-movie bill for $4 or something … action, drama, comedy and flesh all in the same day. Corey Hart walks by the place in the “Never Surrender” video.)

  • http://50most.blogspot.com mw

    Yet another Metro Theatre contribution to juvenile perversity back in the day was a telephone hotline where a woman provided the listings of what was playing that week in her best porny voice. Calling it regularly was apparently as popular a pastime with the ladies as it was with the gents.

  • http://paigesix.blogspot.com Paige

    I do say, nice outfit indeed Josh!

  • http://www.happyrobot.net/words/elanamatic.asp elanamatic

    next time you should try to buy a car battery!
    My favourite signage there is “Yes, we do sell car batteries”
    And apparently it’s true. They do.

  • http://davemadethis.blogspot.com/ Dave

    Dave’s story about the Metro Theatre.
    It was a bunch of years ago, like say, 10. My friends and I heard that Drunken Master was playing at the Metro Theatre thanks to the folks at Kung Fu Fridays http://www.ultra8.ca/content/kff.html
    The movie is awesome and the amount of people in line was proof of that. Everyone was excited about seeing an original print version of the famous Kung Fu film.
    There was a 7pm showing and a 9pm. We were in line for the 9pm. The line went around the block. We all thought it would be hilarious for anyone driving by, because it would appear that there was some AMAZING PORN playing. You couldn’t get a line for porn like that, even 10 years ago.
    So, we’re in line waiting and the 7pm screening lets out. The audience tumbles in to the streets, and out pops Tarantino and Mia Servino! They hop in to a cab and are gone in a flash. We all decided this was very cool. That Tarantino would come to Toronto to see Drunken Master at a nasty-ass porn theatre.
    The theatre was just that – nasty-ass! The floors were sticky and my chair was broken. Since the film was sold out, I had to sit holding myself up during the whole film. I especially didn’t want to slip and land on the floor (nasty!).
    For those of you who haven’t seen Drunken Master – SEE DRUNKEN MASTER! You can get it at Suspect Video, who were also sponsoring the film.
    There’s my tale! Hope you liked it.
    I haven’t been back there since – I get my porn online like any decent person. :-)
    Visit my blog (click my name) for more exciting tales!
    Cheers.

  • Yone

    The Metro is a symbol of a bygone era. Days when people had to venture outside of their houses to enjoy pornography. Now you get the same stuff pumped into house directly via satellite, digital cable, VHS and DVD. It was an experience to share pornography public with other perverted souls. I for one will miss the Metro and its bygone era.