By Craig

Remember when Val Kilmer was a Top Gun actor? Quentin Tarantino even wrote hip pop-culture dialogue about his character. Well Iceman, you’re not so hot anymore. Maybe it started with your second-rate Batman (although George Clooney seems to have recovered just fine.) Or perhaps it was when you chose to play William DeKooning to the far more interesting Jackson Pollack (specious Toronto segue: The AGO presents Willem de Kooning: A Painters Painter. The lecture is on Tuesday from 7 to 8:30 p.m.) But whatever the case, you came full circle last year when you actually played a character from a Tarantino dialogue, you John Holmes mutherf—er. And now, now you’re playing Colin Farrell’s father in Alexander! To add insult to injury, it looks like they wanted Chandler Bing for the part. (P.S. Gore Vidal, why aren’t you defending this bisexual instead?) What would Jim Morrison say about you anyway, Val? “Riders on the storm/ Riders on the storm/ Into this house we’re born/ Into this world we’re thrown/ Like a dog without a bone/ An actor out alone/ Riders on the storm.”